A few weeks ago, I had a really good talk with my partner. It seemed like they were receptive to my explanations about what’s going on with me.
About a month before that, we had an understanding that I would be working on reorganizing the basement, by myself, except for their stuff.
Last night, they got aggressive about me wanting to work on the basement by myself, seemingly not remembering what I had said before about why I needed to work on this by myself.
The argument was wide-ranging and hugely anxiety-provoking.
They accused me of wanting to control everything.
They scoffed when I denied that I was trying to control everything.
They accused me of not loving them.
They scoffed when I said that I do love them.
They said they understood where I was coming from, but when I asked them what their understanding was, they couldn’t actually articulate it and again accused me of not loving them.
I attempted to explain to them, again, why it stresses me out and raises my anxiety for them to be watching over my shoulder as I go through the stuff in the basement. I tried to tell them that it feels as though they’re the overseer and I’m the laborer. I did not tell them that it feels as though they are the parent and I am the misbehaving child because I did not think of that in the moment.
They accused me of having a double standard. That I refuse to allow them to touch my things, yet I have my own permission to touch their things.
I reiterated that I would not be dealing with their things, but only my things and joint property, and that I would be calling them to deal with their things.
I also told them that I don’t trust them not to throw good things away because they have a proven record of throwing things away. My things and things of theirs that I need to keep to help them.
I tried to tell them, once again, why I can’t trust them not to throw things away, reminding them of the latest incident in which they pitched a bunch of my things without consulting me.
They said they had told me they would replace the things of mine that they had discarded, and I told them they were missing the point. I reminded them that my mother had frequently discarded my things without consulting me. They said that I should not be punishing them for what she did, again refusing to acknowledge that they engage in the same behavior.
They brought a whole lot of other things into the discussion. They said that it is their house and that I don’t seem to acknowledge that it is their house.
I told them that I do acknowledge that it is their house, but said that it is also my home. They said, “Yes, you live here, but it’s my house.”
Never have I claimed that their house is my house. Oh, I might use the verbal shorthand of “our house” when speaking of it, but I’m well aware that it is theirs.
They accused me of wanting to control everything: their house, their money, sex, food, everything, and accused me of wanting to be with them for the benefits I get from the relationship.
I asked them for examples of how I control food. They said that I buy all the groceries. I pointed out that I consult them on the shopping list every time I run errands. I pointed out that they also sometimes go to the store to get things they want. I pointed out that since they are earning the bulk of the money, it only makes sense that the one earning less, i.e. me, should be the one literally “spending time” doing household duties. I pointed out to them that if I were making more money, it would make sense for them to be doing the shopping, etc.
They then said that I control sex because I’m the one who most often doesn’t want to have sex. I asked them how else I don’t show that I love them, besides anything having to do with sex. They said that we’re never physically intimate and that they can’t touch intimate parts of my body without asking permission, first.
I pointed out that I do have ownership and control of my own body, and that they have ownership and control of their own body. I also reminded them that when we had last talked about this, a few weeks ago, I thought they understood that it’s not them that’s my problem with sex, but that the problem is stress, anxiety, and depression. I told them that I am working on this, and reminded them that I had said this was not going to be a fast fix. I told them that it has only been a short while since I found out what was causing my anxiety and depression, and now that I know about it, I can work on it, and have been working on it. I told them that I am fighting just to get through every day, right now, so sex is the furthest thing from my mind.
I told them it’s going to be a rocky road, and they said that it’s been a rocky road for the past 15 years. They said that they try to show me they love me and try to be supportive, and I told them that it does help.
They said that they’ve given up on ever finding someone to love them back. I told them that I’m sorry I can’t show them I love them in the way that they most feel loved all the time, but that I do love them. I reminded them that one of the ways I show them love is by having sex with them even if I’m not in the mood for it, because I know it’s important for them.
I also told them that part of the way I show I love them is by doing the various things I do for them, like managing medical stuff and their business.
I asked them what things they think I get out of the relationship. They said that they try very hard to show me love and to support me in all ways. I acknowledged that. They said that if I wasn’t in a relationship with them, I wouldn’t have a place to live and I wouldn’t be able to work from home.
I reminded them that I was not homeless before I moved in with them, and that I had had a place to live and the means to pay for it. They repeated that they provide me with a way to work from home that I wouldn’t have if I only had to worry about myself, saying that if I were on my own, I wouldn’t be able to work full-time because of my migraines.
I told them that it would be hard, and that yes, my migraines make working regular hours incredibly difficult, but that I would be able to manage.
They then said that I don’t share things with them that you only share with the person you love. I told them that I don’t kiss anyone else. I don’t tell anyone else some things I tell them, including my best friend. Then they said, “Well what about X, that person you talk to?” I said, “X knows therapy things and I try to tell you the things that I discuss with X.” X is my therapist. I think my partner is jealous of my therapist. I don’t exactly know why, except that I refuse to talk with my therapist when my partner is in earshot. I’ve tried to tell them that it’s private, not secret, but they don’t understand the distinction.
They talked about how I control all their money and they don’t know where it all goes. I reminded them that they have access to all their bank accounts. They said that by the time statements arrive, the money is all spent, and it’s not enough to see a statement once a month. I reminded them again that they can check balances and account activity on a daily basis, if they want to, by logging into their accounts. I told them I would show them how to access their accounts again. I also told them roughly what happens to money. That is, I accept payments, which get deposited into business account depending on business and method of payment. That business A’s bills are paid by business A’s income and business B’s bills are paid by business B’s income. That money periodically gets transferred from business A’s account to their personal account so they can spend money on whatever, and that money is transferred from business A’s checking account to business A’s savings account so that they can have enough money to pay taxes.
They said, “Well, how do I know that you haven’t set up another account someplace?” I asked why I would do that. They didn’t have a good answer, but essentially said they don’t trust me. I asked them whether I’ve ever lied to them, and they said they don’t know.
I told them that I haven’t lied to them. (And I haven’t, about anything important. I do keep some things from them, like my political views, but that’s not about their money.)
I told them that I’ve been busting my ass since April, trying to get through this class so I can hopefully start to earn some money. They acknowledged that I have been working my ass off, and I thanked them for giving me credit for that. I told them that a large part of my stress and anxiety has to do with lack of money, and that I’ve been applying for remote jobs. They asked me why I’m applying for jobs and whether getting a job wouldn’t stress me out more. I told them that it probably would, in some ways, but that the influx of money would also help, even if I only worked a couple of months.
I told them that I’m trying very hard to find ways to make money so that we can get shit fixed around here. I didn’t point out that even though it’s their house, I don’t have a problem helping pay for repairs to it.
I did ask them if they wanted me to move out. They said they don’t, because they love me, but that they wish I loved them back. All I could do was keep telling them I love them.
After a while, we agreed to end the conversation, even though nothing had been resolved. We watched TV until we couldn’t stay awake, then went to bed.
I woke up around a quarter to four and they weren’t in bed. They weren’t downstairs in the living room, either, so I called them on the intercom. They said they couldn’t sleep, so they got up and went to the shop.
I went out to the shop, too, about an hour later. They asked whether I was angry. I told them I was tired, anxious, depressed, and stressed out, and that I was probably going to cancel on my teenage friend, today, who had invited me to join them at an event.
My partner said, “Ok.” They didn’t ask why I was cancelling. I don’t think they even care.
I feel guilty for cancelling on my friend, but I don’t feel like it’s safe to leave the house with my partner here alone. I don’t trust them not to throw things away.