One of the things we, as the abused, eventually have to deal with when we get older is that when we make choices meant to preserve our own mental health, those choices have real consequences for others in our lives.
Often, the best choice for us is to cut off contact with our families of origin. This puts an end to ongoing abuse and neglect, but it also has effects on those we leave behind.
I’m not so concerned about the effects on the abusers, but rather about the effects of the innocent others we leave behind.
When I was a young adult, I left my family of origin. My mother was extremely abusive and took advantage of me. Rather than allowing me to go to the college I wanted to attend, she manipulated me into going to college in the same city she lived. I was allowed to live on campus, thankfully, but she manipulated me into continuing to do services for her.
I was required to drive from the city to the suburbs to pick my siblings up from school, then drop them off at home.
This was long before gas got really expensive, but still, it was a long round-trip, and it took a considerable amount of time out of my day. In addition, I had to endure my siblings’ bad behavior towards each other and towards me. I was also not paid for my services.
At some point, my mother changed the locks on the house, and did not give me a key.
Sometime my freshman year, I recruited some friends to help me go get the rest of my belongings from my mother’s house. One friend broke into my bedroom window and let the rest of us in. We packed up almost everything that I wanted to take with me and left.
I really wanted to take my siblings with me, particularly the youngest, since I didn’t want them to have to endure any more abuse or neglect, but I was only just an adult, with nowhere to go after the semester was over. There is no way I would have been allowed custody of my sibs, and my mother would have destroyed me in court had I sued for custody.
Even knowing this, I still feel guilty for abandoning my sibs. I fully expect them to never forgive me for leaving me with that monster.
My mother called the police on me and accused me of stealing things from the house. I hadn’t touched a thing, except what belonged to me, yet I was forced to return a thing I had been given by her as a birthday gift or face criminal charges.
Months later, I found one of my sibs, drunk, somewhere, and drove them home. They did not want me to do this, telling me our mother would kill me, but I was worried about my sib, and wanted to make sure they got home safely. That was the last time I ever saw them.
A few years later, I called my mother’s house and one sib answered the phone. I said, “Hello, this is Riley.” My sib said, “Who?” I said, “Your sibling, Riley.” My sib replied, “I don’t have a sibling by that name,” and hung up on me.
I knew then that my mother had once again worked her poison on my siblings, turning me into their enemy.
Two of my siblings have reached out to me at various points in the past. One, the scapegoat, only contacts me to give me information about things they think I need to know about. The other seems to want some sort of relationship. I have tried to have a relationship with this sibling, but I am unable to do so in a way that is healthy for me.
All of my siblings still maintain a relationship with our mother. One of them tries to drag me back into the family with them, but I am unwilling to expose myself to more abuse and humiliation.
I recently cut off contact with this sibling again. I had been reluctant to do so because of guilt I was feeling over abandoning them yet again. My best friend, though, told me that they wished I’d just block my sibling and my mother (who somehow has my e-mail address (I don’t remember how she got it)). I was in a really bad place and in the midst of what might have been a bad emotional flashback, and that gave me the strength to finally pull the plug on these relationships. I couldn’t continue to allow streams of abuse to flow into my life that I was able to dam.
I felt almost immediate relief, but I also felt guilt for abandoning my sibling again. However, they’re an adult, and they’re old enough to make wiser decisions for themself.
My hope is that eventually, they will realize they’re also victims of CPTSD, but it is not my responsibility to inform them, and I need to accept that.
Did I abandon my siblings, as our father abandoned us all those years ago? Yes. But I didn’t have much of a choice. It was either abandon them, or abandon myself. My mind tells me that I should have put them first, but my intellect knows, however painful it may be to admit it, that my first responsibility is to Riley, because no one else will ever take care of Riley the way I can, and no one ever has.